01/01/2004 - 02/01/2004
02/01/2004 - 03/01/2004
03/01/2004 - 04/01/2004
04/01/2004 - 05/01/2004
05/01/2004 - 06/01/2004
07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004
DYING CANCER PATIENT SELECTS INEXPERIENCED AMBULENCE CHASER
Reported by Hunter S. Stuntdick
WASHINGTON- In a move certain to abate voter’s concerns regarding his health history, cancer victim John Kerry last week tapped Sen. John Edwards- a completely inexperienced trial attorney who makes Dan Quayle look like Harry S Truman- as his vice-presidential nominee. Kerry, who was diagnosed with malignant prostate cancer in February of 2003, is not expected to survive a full four-year term as President.
EDWARDS:
"Gee Whiz!"
"In 1992, another Massachusetts senator and fellow cancer survivor ran for the Democratic party’s Presidential nomination." Kerry said. "That man was Paul Tsongas. His medical history in no way impaired his ability to run an effective campaign, and no one felt his bout with cancer had any bearing whatsoever on the viability of his candidacy."
Tsongas, who by 1992 had been in "complete remission" for almost 10 years, died of cancer a few years later.
CAMPAIGN '92: The one-time Democratic
front-runner, seen here "fit as a fiddle."
OTHER HEADLINES:
California governor endorses Predator in hotly contested "Predator vs. Alien" race.
Filmmaker Michael Moore expected to receive yet another Oscar nomination for preaching to choir.
9/11 Commission Report: Attacks of September 2001 could have been prevented if we would have just let them knock down WTC the first time they tried.
Soul of Ronald Reagan rotting in Hell comfortably.
FROM THE DESK OF WILLIAM F.U. BUCKLEY:
POLL SHOWS STRONG PUBLIC SUPPORT FOR PRESIDENTIAL PARDON OF BUSH
After reviewing recent trends in polling conducted at the official Poetry Church website, analysts are describing what they see as a strong margin of public support for President Bush, should he ever face the death penalty in connection with charges of dereliction of duty during times of war- as is sometimes warranted under military law in cases such as Mr. Bush’s. Bush, 57, failed to show up for National Guard duty while stationed either in Alabama or Texas (he tends to get confused over the details of it all now) for a period of approximately one year, from 1972 to 1973.
“What is interesting,” says Erich von Titsling of the Wisdom Project poll-consulting firm, “is the sheer number of people who support the President on this issue.”
Current numbers show that an overwhelming 40% say the death penalty is too strict in the case of Bush’s complete abandonment of his post during hostilities, choosing instead a life-time sentence of hard labor in a military prison as a more just punishment. This was just enough support for Bush to wedge out a victory over those who answered “Who’s President Bush?”(38%), but more than enough to give him a commanding win over those supporting death (18%), which no doubt disappoints some Democrats on the Hill. Another 5% answered “No Opinion (Republican).”
“This certainly puts a lot of pressure on Future-President Kerry to pardon Bush of any wrong-doing during his National Guard tenure.” says von Titsling. “If the Democrats are going to try to jail Bush for anything he has done, they’re going to have to find something else in his record.”
Sources indicate they may have a few more ideas.
OTHER HEADLINES:
Really whack guy “just won’t chill.”
Otherwise heroic teen rescues neighboring family during flash flood but then fucks it up by touching eldest daughter a bit too much while “helping her onto the raft.”
Woman on Atkin’s Diet loses 120 pounds, virginity.
Despite war in Afghanistan, street price of heroin at all-time low. Despite war in Iraq, oil prices at all-time high. White House: Bush administration officials “probably not involved directly.”
"Never trust a person who can carry on a polite conversation with a telemarketer for more than 15 seconds." -Bertrand Russell
BUSH SPEECH OUTLINES "5 STEPS TOWARD THE VEITNAMIZATION OF IRAQ"
Reported by Hunter S. Stuntdick
BUSH: "I shall not seek nor shall I
accept the nominaton of my party..."
WASHINGTON- During what was billed as the most important speech of his Presidency, George W. Bush addressed a live, internationally televised audience Monday night from the Carlisle Barracks in Pennsylvania and outlined his “5 Steps” toward escalating the military situation in Iraq to the point where it is a completely fucked, irreversible quagmire.
"Despite past disagreements, most nations have indicated strong support for the success of a ‘free’ Iraq (giggles), and I am confident they will share in the responsibility of assuring that success,” he said, “Once we grab them by the balls and twist a little bit (more giggles)... mind you, there is an awful lot of money involved (laughter)."
“The problem is,” Bush added, “the sitiation (sic) in Iraq is not nearly fucked up enough yet.”
The President proceded to point out that the Pentagon hasn’t even yet begun to consider the use of napalm, carpet bombing, and “all that other desperate shit." He then went on to emphasize that rebels in Iraq, though apt to their native urban/desert warring conditions and difficult to counter using conventional western military tactics, “haven’t even joined ranks yet amongst their factioned, guerilla-like sects into a unified, coordinated, multi-pronged and multi-fronted attack like Tet. That’s REALLY going to suck.”
Bush outlined five steps to Iraqi self-government in the first of a series of addresses in the weeks before the handover of "power" (AKA control of the utilities and a few body guards) to Iraqis. These "5 steps (to Veitnamization)" include:
Handing over authority to a sovereign Iraqi government that is basically just a puppet to the interests of the O.B.F.O.D ("Oil Baron Friends Of Dubbya").
Establishing security (and torture facilities).
Continuing to rebuild Iraq's infrastructure, via Halliburton.
Encouraging more international support, Frenchies (visit related links: global credibility, humanistic utilitarianism as interest-bearing investment opportunity).
Moving toward a national election in Iraq that "will bring forward new leaders empowered by the Iraqi people," Becktel.
The 31-minute speech at Carlisle Barracks, which is home to the war college, was the first of six presidential addresses on Iraq in the weeks before the Iraqi handover, the White House said. The White House then plans to deliver several more key international policy speeches before handing over sovereign control of the United States to Sen. John Kerry (D-MA) in January of 2005.
GHOST OF LBJ: Said to be pleased that
"it's not one of our guys this time."
STARS JOIN FORCES TO HONOR LEGENDARY FUNNYMAN IDI AMIN
Dictators/celebrities pay tribute to “one of the greats.”
Amin’s influence still inspires a generation of comics, cannibals.
Michael Jackson to send videotaped hommage from prison.
Televised Amin Tribute considered a "dress rehearsal" for next month's Roman Polanski Celebrity Roast.
During rehearsals, Nikki P. demands the respect she’s earned; 14 injured.
Reported by Ralph Nader-do-well
HOLLYWOOD- Beginning next Thursday and running throughout the Memorial Day weekend, Hollywood is rolling out the red carpet for a star-studded telethon tribute to late great funnyman/despot Idi Amin.
Throughout the 70s, Amin ruled the tiny African nation of Uganda with an iron fist. As Uganda’s president, he was a ruthless practitioner of sadistic torture methods, cannibalism, and genocide. But it was his quick, irreverent wit and his tireless commitment to touring the comedy club circuit after his retirement from politics in February of 1979 that brought him in touch with the hearts and minds of a generation of comedy fans. His legendary characters and sketches- from ‘Swami Guy’ to ‘The Nairobi Trio (with Machetes)’- live on now as examples of his comic genius, as well as testaments to his continuing influence on a younger generation of comedians.
COMEDY IS NOT PRETTY:
Amin had several hit comedy albums
in the late 70s and early 80s, and his
farcical ‘King Tut’ single was #1 on the
Billboard charts for 3 weeks in 1979.
“He was a completely unique, totally original innovator.” said Carrot Top, “There will never be anyone or anything like him again.”
“There was a period for about seven and a half years straight,” recalls veteran comic Fred Travalena, “Where he was on tour 52 weeks a year. He just loved touring that much, loved the audience. And they loved him too, except on those rare occasions when he would eat a heckler’s leg.”
“He really stood up to corporate America,” said filmmaker Michael Moore, “And that is something I truly respect about the guy.”
Moore’s not alone. Big name celebs are expected to show up en masse next week to man the phones for the annual 96-hour Amin fundraiser. As Amin- who passed away from natural causes last year- left no known next of kin, it has not yet been determined exactly where the proceeds go, but somebody overheard someone else mention something about the relatives of certain firemen and police officers from New York.
PICTURED ABOVE: Tom Cruise tries to look
thoughtful and deep (left foreground) while Sylvester
Stallone attempts to appear socially conscientious
(left rear) at last year’s Amin celebrity telethon.
OTHER STORIES:
Gorbachev dozes off at Kissenger’s brother-in-law’s funeral.
Woman with disproportionately large breasts and narrow waist receives unwarranted praise for something she did that wasn’t really that amazing.
John Shirk eats pigeon.
After miraculous recovery from gunshot wound to head, Antichrist said to be “resting comfortably.”
Nameless, faceless, touchy-feely "sensitive" guy who attends local poetry readings identified as Tim Cook.
Cure for Polio lost.
_______________________________________________________________________________
In addition to his frequent contributions to this news blog and his ongoing struggle to "Take Back America," Mr. Nader-do-well occupies his time accepting enormous, secret campaign contributions from certain high-level Republican Party operatives with a vested interest in maintaining a viable third party Presidential candidate, thereby splitting the "Liberal Vote" and all but ensuring us of four more years of the most repressive totalitarian regime in American Political History. He may be reached via email at poetrychurch@yahoo.com.
MY AMERICA by Rush Contin
I’ve decided to use this installment of my monthly Poetry Church article to answer some of the voluminous emails I have received from the many good readers of this fine news blog. Carmen Beltros of Whiting, IN writes:
“Dear Rush- What’s up with all the whiney cancer patients still bitching about stem-cell research? When are they all just gonna stick a lid on it?”
Amen to that, brother! You are singing to the choir here, Carmen. I have been complaining about “Cancer Rights” abuses for years now. I am so sick of hearing that whole argument that, by outlawing the majority of available forms of stem-cell research in the United States, George Bush may have pushed a potential cure back by decades. What these terminal mopers need to understand is that abortion is IMMORAL and SOCIALLY PERVERTED. Cancer, though dreadful and unfortunate, is neither. I rest my case…
Larry Gassbach of Chicago, IL writes:
“Hey Rush! I heard that J. Edgar Hoover was a fag! Is that true??? WTF?!?!?
Larry, just because a man likes to dress up like a woman and watch other men (usually also made up to look like women) have sex, that alone does not make him a homosexual. Many- perhaps the majority- of our nation’s greatest leaders have from time to time dressed up like women and watched other men (again, other men who were generally also made up like women) have sex. George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, WEB DuBois, JFK, RFK, FDR, Teddy Roosevelt, and many other historic figures who are dead now and thus can’t sue me are but a few examples.
Linda Harmon of Oak Park, IL writes:
“Rush, my husband of 11 years Ben is a sweet and gentle man who is the love of my life. Together we have 3 beautiful children, a wonderful house, and the life I dreamed about having when I was a little girl. However, occasionally my husband can be less than attentive to my particular needs, specifically when it comes to reciprocating cunnilingus. I have brought these concerns of mine to his attention on numerous occasions. Each time he says he will make amends, only to proceed to blow his load in my face and fall asleep the next time an opportunity for oral reciprocation presents itself. I am at my wits’ end! Each night I have to come up with a different excuse for why I am spending 30-45 minutes locked in the bathroom with the tub water running! Please help!”
Men who fit the description you’ve given of your husband often suffer from what I describe in my newest self-help book as “Sexual Children Syndrome." Unlike most mature adults who develop autonomous sexual identities, individuals suffering from SCS tend to be very self-concerned and non-responsive to typical means of adult negotiation when it comes to sexual matters. These individuals respond far better to conventional punishment-vs-reward systems of behavioral modification, as would a child. So the next time Ben “releases his ejaculate” in the manner you have described, try biting his dick off and spitting it in his face. That should get his attention.
That’s all for this month. Drop me a line at poetrychurch@bolt.com, and GOD BLESS AMERICA!
BIN LADEN ANNOUNCES INDEPENDENT PRESIDENTIAL BID
Reported by Hunter S. Stuntdick
WASHINGTON- Third party rabble-rouser Osama bin Laden announced today that he will run for President as an Independent in the November general election, baffling pundits and assuring the more paranoid elements of the Democratic Party the realization of their worst fears.
Bin Laden made the announcement in front of a closed Ford Motors assembly plant in Flint, Michigan. When the plant closed its doors for good in April of 2002, over 7,000 local residents lost their jobs.
“Under my totalitarian fundamentalist regime (visit related links: Reform Party, Green Party), this plant would still be open today. The first act I shall commit as President will be to abolish NAFTA for being the capitalist tool of infidel swine- swine who conspire with the Jews and who also close down assembly plants. The first act, right after I dump a rather large quantity of strychnine into the Hoover Dam, that is.”
Reaction amongst attendees was mixed.
“I agreed with all that stuff about how we are at greater risk for terrorist attacks since Bush started the war then we were before.” said Molly Berghurst, an unemployed steel worker and mother of 673, “But that whole part about small pox kind of creeped me out. I mean, if we’re going to be killing all of our own people like that, that means there are going to have to be a LOT of new graves dug. And SOMEONE is going to have to pay for all those fresh graves. I guess I’m just gun-shy about electing another tax and spend liberal.”
ROCKING THE VOTE: If appearances like last month's spontaneous
guest spot on TRL (above) continue to go well, expect to see more and
more of bin Laden on MTV in the coming months.
CANDIDATE: Mums the Word on V.P. Choice
Speaking to members of the media via satellite after his announcement, bin Laden said he “has not even yet asked all mighty Allah for his divine guidance” in picking a running mate. Nonetheless, speculations are that the early favorite is Admiral James Stockdale, who is quite possibly just gullible and confused enough to do it.
“Plus he brings that whole ‘Been a Lunatic’s Veep’ experience to the table.” said one bin Laden staffer, “And that’s a pretty tough element to counter in the debates, at least when his hearing aid is working.”
STOCKDALE:
‘Confused.’
Democrats are all a Bunch of Swarthy, Paranoid Greeks and Irishmen who Drink too Much and Eat Their Own Young
Democrats fear that bin Laden’s late entry may adversely affect John Kerry’s presidential bid in a manner similar to the way in which they believe his candidacy affected the outcome of the Bush/Gore 2000 Election. Many party loyalists still feel bin Laden cost Gore the White House by finishing in a tie for fourth with Pat Buchanan, Larry Flint, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, Gary Coleman, Lyndon Larouche, and the Unknown Comic; just ahead of fifth place finisher Ralph Nader. Not being able to win your own home state had nothing to do with it, according to sources close to party leadership.
“With a bin Laden administration two things are for certain,” stumped the spirited underdog, “Much blood will be spilt, and millions of new jobs will be created…IN HEAVEN!”
PICTURED ABOVE: Bin Laden speaking in Toledo, OH during a stop on his “Jobs First- On
a Jihad to a Stronger Economy” whistle stop tour.
OTHER STORIES:
Controversial new study finds most men horny, flatulent.
Massachusetts approves gay marriage; Four Horsemen of Apocalypse "very pleased."
REPORT: White House had prior knowledge of imminent global invasion by a hyper-intelligent race of space aliens who intend to use all of humanity as a food source in order to replace their own depleted livestock resources.
God provides perfectly logical, satisfactory answer to man who asks, "Why me Lord?"
FROM THE DESK OF WILLIAM F.U. BUCKLEY:
"The Amerkin (sic) people shall not cower before turny (sic)." -President George W. Bush
RUMSFELD TO TROOPS: "BETWEEN YOU AND ME, I'M NOT THAT SORRY"
ABU GHRAIB, Iraq- Speaking this week at a surprise appearance before U.S. troops stationed at the now infamous Abu Ghraib prison camp, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld issued what amounted to a non-apology for Iraqi prisoner mistreatment by U.S. armed forces in the region.
"Everyone, please understand just how upset I am personally by this controversy." Rumsfeld said. "I would like to express my outrage at the conduct of our own men and women in uniform, and I would also like to extend an apology to all peoples of the Islamic faith worldwide."
"I'd like to do that," Rumsfeld continued, pausing to cover the PA mic with one hand while leaning from the podium to address the troops directly, "But unfortunately I can't. Fuck with Uncle Sam some more and see what happens next, Mohammed. Can you say 'Nagasaki?'"
Rumsfeld was interrupted at this point is his statement by a brief uproar from the assembled group of U.S. servicemen, who chanted "USA! USA!," performed the 'Tomahawk Chop,' and participated in several other traditional American celebratory acts which- when you really think about it- are quite remarkably insensitive culturally, even for a room full of stupid fucking white men.
"Oh, I see," Rumsfeld continued after the uproar, "International Law forbids torture and humiliation as acceptable means of interrogation. So all that stuff we did for 20 years in Central America was OK, but now I'm the asshole. That sounds pretty fucking righteous to me. I guess the next time a bunch of towel-headed cavemen are about to blow up the Hoover Dam, we'll just ask them nicely where the bomb is."
PICTURED ABOVE: "Winning the hearts and minds..."
Not all of Rumsfeld's speech constituted a ringing endorsement of U.S. military conduct in the region. At one point, Rumsfeld chastised the crowd for what he described as "conduct unbecoming of a homophobic, gay-bashing military."
"One thing I won't tolerate is a fag army." Rumsfeld explained. "What I would like to know is, what's with all the butt-play in those pictures? I would like to remind you all that this is an interrogation facility, not the Steve-O show. Whatever happened to those good old-fashioned, non-gay means of interrogation? You know, like hanging a man from his ankles for 17 days, putting electrodes on his balls, and surgically removing both his retinas as he listens to the cries of his mother being sodomized with a broomstick handle? Now all I see is ass-play, ass-play, ass-play, with an occassional glimpse of a short chick with a butch haircut and a cigarette dangling from her mouth like she's goddamn Robert Mitchum. We really need to court martial that broad."
Rumsfeld dismissed the rest of the world's indignation and calls for his resignation, stating, "Oh, all those Amnesty International hippies are just a bunch of 'Old Europe' Frenchies, anyway. Fuck them."
PICTURED ABOVE: The preferred means of interrogation
employed by a generation of U.S. soldiers raised watching
'Jackass' and 'Will and Grace.'
Photos courtesy of The Memory Hole.
OTHER HEADLINES:
Joel Chmura schedules appearance at Trace and actually shows up.
Mother of Nick Berg provokes awkward giggles at U.S. Military Office when she states she "would like to get that head back, please."
Steinbrenner decides he's going to start buying NFL championships, too.
Kerry Wood injures throwing arm while drinking, eating too much, and not training.
_______________________________________________________________________________
The views and opinions expressed by the Rev. Buckley do not necessarily reflect those of the editors of this weblog. Or maybe they do. All I'm saying is you have no way of proving a damn thing in court. He may be reached via email at nukepoet@hotmail.com.
Poetry Church Staff, Contact Info, and Links
